If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Pants are for mortals
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
