Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
