I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
