i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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