I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
