evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
