I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
