I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
