I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
