you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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