I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
please come you make the beer taste better
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
