Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
