I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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