I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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