dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no you cant smoke seaweed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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