take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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