I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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