Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
