i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
