If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
