I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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