I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize