so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
