Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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