Say something about gay babies.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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