I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
