Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
