I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
