It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
