is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
