I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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