3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
this just has baby written all over it
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
