I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
A bitchslap is in order.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
