And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
