just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
