That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
