ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
