you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
