I met the friendliest cop last night
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
