If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
