Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
