My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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