Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
