Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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