I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
