everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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