After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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