i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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