i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
