I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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