I accidentally had phone sex last night
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
