Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
