the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
