i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
