is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
