Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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