there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
