drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
