I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
